How I Became Solid Within Myself (And What It Actually Took)
I take exception to the notion of a midlife crisis. In part because uhhh, fuck you, I’m not dying at 80. But also because is it a crisis to literally finally come to terms with the truth of who you are and move forward as a more whole, unfuckwithable version of yourself?
Midlife crisis? No bb, I call that the entire freaking point of all this.
The shift started like most people’s, I can only assume.
With a breakup (hahahahah).
But even before that…
With the refrain in my mind of “is this it? is this enough? is this what my life is going to be? is this who I am ?” pulsating and getting louder, louder, louder.
Not in a damning way, in a freeing way. I KNEW then, just as I know today, that we really do get to decide in any moment who we’re going to be. But I needed to figure out who THAT was.
I love sharing from the after: “I’ve done the work, here’s my learning.”
But the process to get to the learning is often the part we want to know about. Its what helps us understand how to transition our own lives.
So how did I do it? How did I get to this place of retiring versions of me that have existed for 10, 20, 30 years and welcoming in my new era with, frankly, the shaky confidence of someone who KNOWS what’s meant for them but hasn’t exactly moved AS her all that much yet?
First and definitely foremost: I’ve accepted that it’s not just DONE, but that doesn’t mean I’m a constant work-in-progress, either.
There’s the before, and the after, even if the after takes a bit of ongoing care and attention. But I’m already in it. I’m her. I’ve crossed over, lol, into the next chapter.
The rest? It’s just refinement. Beautiful, tender refinement.
Here’s the 4 lessons I learned, and am actively learning, followed by the 12 ways I did the active work to become THIS me:
YOU PRACTICE IN REAL TIME, IN REAL LIFE, WITH YOUR REAL PEOPLE
This has been the most uncomfortable one for me. Largely because it requires just a massive amount of vulnerability.
Vulnerability is horrendous for the girl who learned early on that most people don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves and it’s dangerous for you to do it. People take advantage if you haven’t learned discernment. But who the fuck teaches you discernment?
A parent, maybe, if you’re lucky.
Otherwise, life. And unfortunately, it’s often the hard way.
Vulnerability is tricky. Because it requires being seen. And being seen means you can be rejected. And being rejected reinforces the importance of not being vulnerable.
So somewhere along the way you practice vulnerability, hopefully with all that discernment you definitely learned 🥺, and not getting too hardened when it doesn’t land in a safe place. But also not closing yourself off to future vulnerability because sometimes it does land in a great place.
YOU SURRENDER
You know how you get to delighting in all your crazy, in relishing the pure fucking complexity of all that you are?
You give into it. You stop trying to force it away. You work on no longer apologizing for it. You hold yourself.
You fall apart.
And none of that sexy falling apart! No hot slip dresses and a cigarette hanging out of your mouth. I WISH.
No, just the utter humiliation of laying on the floor sobbing and heaving and frantically calling people because you need to be reminded you exist and you’re loved.
And every time it bubbles up again - which it will, even after the big proclamation of the “before” and the “after” (here’s mine 😉) - you surrender again. You let go again. You let it loop and you fall into it, because you’re already learning that each time you do, the screaming parts of you get a little bit quieter.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVINE TIMING
“What’s meant for you doesn’t miss you.”
I think that’s what they call self trust. And it’s a fucking brutal process. Or at least it was for me.
It meant surrendering to the truth of who I am, who I’ve been, and who I will be without forcing myself to be anything at all.
I let go. I let it all exist within me. I didn’t tidy it up or make it more palatable.
I said things I’ve never said before. And I meant them. The things that had been choking me (still do). I started to think them, to test the words on close friends, to hear myself say them, and to take it on the chin when someone HATED it. Hated me. Rejected it. Rejected me. UGH. Surrender.
But now? I really, really do find it helpful to remember that you can’t lose what is meant to stay. Think about how many times you fuck up with friends? Right? And they forgive your ass. As long as you’re not being constantly shitty, you can be A LOT, and (many) people will still stay.
I’m applying that to everything. Dating, business, goals. I am showing up to the work (important disclaimer here!) and so the universe is going to ensure that the right things make it back to me. Cuz it’s all just energy.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP BEING A VICTIM
I stopped playing a victim to the patterns. This one was huge. It’s one thing to see them, it’s another to address them.
And it’s quite frankly a whole other, frankly terrifying, thing to decide that they just don’t get to hold any power over you anymore. Because then WHO DO YOU BECOME?
Ya. Think about it. Who are you in the space where those automatic reactions used to live?
This has honestly been one of the trickiest parts for me in the “after” because I didn’t have a game plan for who I was on the other side of these patterns.
So if I’m not reacting to a fear of emotional abandonment with neediness or criticism, how am I responding? Is just NOT responding, who I am? I haven’t entirely rewritten that story yet, which is why it continues to crop up.
Now I’m out here just raw dogging approaching life (and disappointments) differently because I didn’t know how the work was gonna pan out. Because it’s all theory - until it’s not.
That’s ok. We learn. Maybe we lose in the meantime. But we learn.
The reality is, shit happens to most of us. That’s allowed to be true - and yours is allowed to be real and valid - AND, and, AND you can choose to stop carrying it.
It can inform your reactions (because it does) but it doesn’t have to inform your outcomes or responses.
Your pain can be something that you heal, catalyze, learn from, or simply allow to exist. It doesn’t HAVE to be any of those (or any other fucking thing). It can be as little or as much as you allow it to be or need it to be.
I, for one, realized that my pain was keeping me stuck in a loop oscillating between being an independent hardass who needs no one, with being insecure and needing constant reassurance from people I admire and love.
UM OK. At least pick a side, eh? (I’m the most Gemini fucking victim you ever did meet lol).
OK FINE BUT TELL ME HOW
If, like me, you’re a bit unsure what to do with advice that doesn’t tell you HOW to enact it, then fear not, friend. I may not have the answers that will resonate with YOU. But I am happy to share everything I did that I think helped ME through the process.
Perhaps there’s something here that will help you.
Because I didn’t just cry and journal - but I definitely did and recommend doing a lot of both.
I called my best friends relentlessly, talking in loops about the same things. For months (and even longer). I sobbed, like scream-sobbed over the phone when I couldn’t talk or breathe. AND THEY LET ME 🥹
I went to therapy and did something I fucking hate - talk about my childhood and not allow myself to be self-deprecating. I also wasn’t allowed to say things like “that’s so stupid, it wasn’t a big deal”. No gaslighting little me anymore. She’s allowed to feel how she felt!
I spent SO MUCH time alone. I let it get so lonely it bordered on spooky. Sometimes I turned off my cell phone and drove into the forest and let my fear choke me, but I did it.
I asked for help. It was so uncomfortable. And so NICE to receive. I knew I was being A LOT and I let myself be. I trusted that it wouldn’t be forever.
I took a break from my business, the thing I’d been pouring into for years. And I sat with the fear and uncertainty about what might happen if I never wanted to go back to it - or if people didn’t want me to.
I apologized to people I’d hurt. I know. This is starting to sound like some 12 step program. But I did. Part of not being the victim anymore is being more free with owning your shit, ya know? I said sorry to some exes. I started texting my mom more. I forgave my dad for not being there when I needed him to be. And I meant it all.
I told someone I needed them. This one still sits in my throat. What a hugely uncomfortable thing to say to a person (and a man, no less). But I did. I needed his steadiness and I said it out loud. And you know what? The sky didn’t fall. I just got communication when I felt like anything else might have killed me.
I journalled a lot about the people that love me - and the things they love about ME. I truly believe that a person cannot be SO BAD if the people all around them are INCREDIBLE and I used that to my personal advantage as I worked to become a cooler, more honest version of myself. IF THEY LOVE ME, there is something here to love. Turns out, there’s quite a bit!
I spent SO MUCH time OUTDOORS. Like, I was outside every day, sometimes for hours. And it was immensely healing. In fact, as I’m writing this (and a million other times), I’m reminded how there’s nothing on this Earth that helps us more than the Earth. If there’s only one thing you take away from this entire thing, I hope it’s that getting outside is the single best answer to the best and hardest parts of life. It’s always the answer. Always.
I spent a lot of time just being “Auntie Cyn”. I’m really good at that job. Spending time with kids is such a gift, because they really only care if your heart is good and you’re nice to them. They don’t overthink, overcomplicate, or worry about your perceived perfection one tiny bit.
I pulled an absolute fuck ton of tarot and oracle cards. And every single time - like EVERY TIME WITHOUT FAIL - the cards came back with an answer right along the lines of “just choose you, focus on you, do you”. Like WILD. But I listened. I really tried to listen.
I wrote a lot of “I want” lists - just the statement “I want” followed by anything that felt true, including the things I didn’t know if they would be once I expressed them. Because often clarity is lurking right underneath claiming what’s true in the moment, and letting it just exist before moving on it.
If you want to read the heart-forward bits of this same journey, and where I sort of “ended up”, then you can do so right here, on my Substack, titled The Grand Experiment.